Part II

So I lived my life as a happy child with everything except of love. I really wasn't sad about it, bacause i was busy playing sport, and I didn't have time to spend with anybody. By that i don't mean that I didn't have friends. I had many friends from all over the country. I could talk with them about everything except of...

That part of me created account on gay-dating website, where many boys started contacting me. I did not want to meet because i was well known in my hometown and I couldn't risk that someone could see me with another opened gay.

Although I was not sad at all. REALLY I MEAN IT...

At the age of 17 i already knew, that my future will keep place in different country. I have found a boy on that gay-website, who was from that city I was going to move to. I really liked his pictures, he seemed intelligent, funny, nice. I started to have feelings for him. That's me... I am too romantic, to idealistic. I can fall in love through internet. I really was thinking about him all day long even though he was thousands miles away.
Of course, it would be too easy if he had feelings for me too. Actually, he had a boyfriend. We were in contact for long time so i knew his thoughts since beginning of his first love, then break up and the same with his second boyfriend. I really cared about him and I felt good when he did.
Then the most wanted day in my life came... We met. I was 30 minutes late on our first date :D LOL... I didn't manage to make good first impression probably. But when i saw him something moved inside of me.  I felt like i knew him for years. We spent 2 hours out . On our second date something amazing happened. I have kissed a boy and I liked it!!!!
Not only i liked that. MAN!!! That was something i have never felt before... The heat went through my body when we kissed. There is no such a word that would describe that feeling. I thought that my life has it sence, reason. I didn't feel like lost man anymore. I wanted that minutes to last forever. It was just soooooo amazing I didn't sleep that night. On that day, my heart got its own mouth and kept telling me that I want to feel that again.

The only problam is, that he doesn't feel the same way. I write it in present tense because it is still so. He says he doesn't want relationship. I think I just did not amaze him as he has amazed me. But I couldn't kill my heart. I could not shut my heart up. I just couldn't. I kept texting him, I tried my best in every way. It seemed embarasing to me how much i insist on comunicating with him. I could not stop thinking about him and I couldn't accept the fact  that he just doesn't feel the same way I do.
So I did not sleep few nights. I just couldn't understand. I couldn't and I can't.

It's been 4 months since we've firstly met. And how is it now?
I am still hoping. I still think about him every single day. He can hurt me so easily and he frequently does. He doesn't even know about it. I don't want to loose him.. I don't know why. My whole life I did not believe in this kind of shit that someone can't live without somebody else who doesn't feel the same way. I always thought that it is a waste of time. When that person doesn't feel the same way from the very beginning, YOU JUST CAN'T MAKE HIM LOVE YOU. I still feel that way. But i can't get over that. When we are together, I feel that we just know. We don't have to say a word. We know. It's beautiful feeling...

There is another special reason why I can't release him from my heart...

What is it?
You'll find out in my next blog.

Let's begin!

Congratulations!

You have mannaged to get to my second post! No more boring stuff, let's start my story:

I was born in small city. That little city is part of even smaller country. I was born with cerebral palsy and doctors said that I wouldn't be able to move. It was a disaster for whole family. Tons of sleepless nights. But my mom, great woman, started to specially excercise with me, and today, I am healthy, normal boy. 

My childhood was normal. At least I thought it was. First different thoughts came when I was 7 years old. It was normal day as any other, I was watching some movie with my brother. I don't remember what movie it was exactly but i do remember that there was a scene where man and woman were kissing each other next to the waterfall. It was really beautiful scene and I was pretty amazed. My brother was not paying that much attention but then I said: " Wow, that man is really beautiful!" 

That waked my brother up and he responded almost immediately: "What did you say? You should like that woman not that man!" I did not really understand that but since then, I always had his face in front of my eyes. 

I could not realize it then, but when I looked on that situation later, when I was 13, i found out that i am gay.

That was important information first of all for my self. Of course, I wasn't sure right away. It was long-term process.

I grew up in really homophobic surroundings. When there was any gay oriented article or they mentioned gay community in TV, my parents never forgot to say that it is not natural, it is disease and they should go to hospital. I quickly found out that it won't be that easy to live in our community as opened and came-out person. So i did not come out. Some of you may think now, that it must have been hard for me and i must have been sad all the time. Well, that is not true at all...

I was pretty succesful kid. I got accepted to great high school, i had wonderful results there, I was also playing sport and i was succesful in it. Actually i was the most succesful kid in that sport in our city. But that was only succes as others have seen it. I have never found myself as succesful.  

I am not that kind of gay man on who you can see that he is gay in first second thanks to community I grew up. I played collective sport with many other guys, and because of my success, I have played with much older dudes. Everybody thought that there is no way I could be gay. I look heterosexually, I act heterosexualy. I AM NORMAL BOY... As with everything, there are pros and also cons of my success.... I could not afford comming out. Can you imagine one of the best athleete in city to come out in such a homophobic community? My sport life would end in that second. So I did not come out. I even had a few girlfriends.

Thanks to my orientation I naturally did not have the best relationship with my parents. It was not bad at all. But I could... and ... I can never tell them the truth. I actually have not found anybody till now, who would know about me.

As a teenager, I started to realize, that I can't live like this forever... So I made really big decision... 

What decision? You will find out in my next blog... Right now, I need to sleep. 

Thanx for reading!

Introduction

Hi,

welcome to my blogging site! My name is ... not important, let's say it is Zac. I like that name and I hope you won't have any problem with that :) I am not native English speaker so I apologize in advance. There will be mistakes. I am XX years old and I would like to share my story with you guys.

Why?

Well, the first reason is, that I think that my story could possibly be interesting for other people.

The other reason is much more selfish. I think, that writing my story down will help me.

So, let's begin!