Part II

So I lived my life as a happy child with everything except of love. I really wasn't sad about it, bacause i was busy playing sport, and I didn't have time to spend with anybody. By that i don't mean that I didn't have friends. I had many friends from all over the country. I could talk with them about everything except of...

That part of me created account on gay-dating website, where many boys started contacting me. I did not want to meet because i was well known in my hometown and I couldn't risk that someone could see me with another opened gay.

Although I was not sad at all. REALLY I MEAN IT...

At the age of 17 i already knew, that my future will keep place in different country. I have found a boy on that gay-website, who was from that city I was going to move to. I really liked his pictures, he seemed intelligent, funny, nice. I started to have feelings for him. That's me... I am too romantic, to idealistic. I can fall in love through internet. I really was thinking about him all day long even though he was thousands miles away.
Of course, it would be too easy if he had feelings for me too. Actually, he had a boyfriend. We were in contact for long time so i knew his thoughts since beginning of his first love, then break up and the same with his second boyfriend. I really cared about him and I felt good when he did.
Then the most wanted day in my life came... We met. I was 30 minutes late on our first date :D LOL... I didn't manage to make good first impression probably. But when i saw him something moved inside of me.  I felt like i knew him for years. We spent 2 hours out . On our second date something amazing happened. I have kissed a boy and I liked it!!!!
Not only i liked that. MAN!!! That was something i have never felt before... The heat went through my body when we kissed. There is no such a word that would describe that feeling. I thought that my life has it sence, reason. I didn't feel like lost man anymore. I wanted that minutes to last forever. It was just soooooo amazing I didn't sleep that night. On that day, my heart got its own mouth and kept telling me that I want to feel that again.

The only problam is, that he doesn't feel the same way. I write it in present tense because it is still so. He says he doesn't want relationship. I think I just did not amaze him as he has amazed me. But I couldn't kill my heart. I could not shut my heart up. I just couldn't. I kept texting him, I tried my best in every way. It seemed embarasing to me how much i insist on comunicating with him. I could not stop thinking about him and I couldn't accept the fact  that he just doesn't feel the same way I do.
So I did not sleep few nights. I just couldn't understand. I couldn't and I can't.

It's been 4 months since we've firstly met. And how is it now?
I am still hoping. I still think about him every single day. He can hurt me so easily and he frequently does. He doesn't even know about it. I don't want to loose him.. I don't know why. My whole life I did not believe in this kind of shit that someone can't live without somebody else who doesn't feel the same way. I always thought that it is a waste of time. When that person doesn't feel the same way from the very beginning, YOU JUST CAN'T MAKE HIM LOVE YOU. I still feel that way. But i can't get over that. When we are together, I feel that we just know. We don't have to say a word. We know. It's beautiful feeling...

There is another special reason why I can't release him from my heart...

What is it?
You'll find out in my next blog.